I put a lot of effort into everything I do, I try my best to get ahead and make life better. I always aim to be fair and open-minded, I strive to stay resilient in hard times and motivated in the low moments. I seek for beauty and happiness in every small thing I encounter, and feel gratitude and love for all I have, every single day.
It almost seems like I have it all figured out, except for that little empty feeling I carry with me all the time.
I couldn't put my finger on what it was until I read a book by Oprah - 'What I know for sure' (a gift from a special person).
It made me ask myself - What do I know for sure and what do I need in my life for sure?
Deliberated for weeks, wrote thought and goals, desires and failures down on a piece of paper and stared at it for days.
There were a lot of things on this list that I would still like to achieve, and so much that I already have the pleasure of enjoying, but only 2 things brought strong emotions in me when looking at them. An excitement and love when looking at -'providing the best education for my kid', and sadness and emptiness when looking at ' a place to call home'.
It hit me then, that ever since I've lost my last home within 18 months of leaving behind my family home, I carry that empty feeling inside.
My homes were never just an asset, they had so much emotional meaning and wonderful memories. They were my shrine. A place to escape, a place to surround myself with all that I love.
And even though a home is made by the people we love, there are certain possessions that we need desperately despite of their non financial value. Priceless possessions you can only collect, keep and store if you do have a home.
All of my daughter's art and craft projects from pre-school, little cards that she has made for me over the years, my late dog's bed, my friends' board of memories they gave me when I moved in , my giant aloe vera-s that I've nurtured for over 15 years, my beautiful home office with walls decorated with invoices, pieces of material from important projects, Thank you notes form happy clients ... even my wedding album - I had to leave behind all these treasures and it has been very painful to say the least.
I did came to terms with losing many significant valuables in my live, but I was obviously still grieving over the realisation that I may never have the chance of having a home of my own again.
So with that realisation in mind, the small run-down property in a tiny rural village that I've been looking at to perhaps managing to purchase one day, suddenly seemed like the most wonderful idea I've had for ages.
The thoughts and plans of how to make it possible, and how I would bring it back to life and turn it into a place of love and good memories, have consumed much of my time and energy in the last days. But truth is all I needed to fill the void in my soul was hope. Hope that not all is lost, hope that until I live and breathe everything is possible.
Don't lose hope, no matter of the circumstances ...and don't forget to smile!