More imagination and less caffeine

December 13, 2017

 If you think it's exhausting being around highly analytical, overly self-conscious, greatly opinionated and supremely cynical person, then try being me. I have to handle my own self on a daily.

I am such a crazy freak of nature, my own personality is draining me out. Those ADHD tendencies I have are seriously annoying me lately. At times I feel like I am an absolute introvert who is most at ease when left alone, and at others, I only see the bohemian extrovert in me - the one who constantly needs external stimulation, novelty and risk taking to feel complete. It is obvious that my brain has fewer dopamine receptors than other people, because I have great difficulties getting excited and motivated.


Feeling really dissatisfied and restless, has been my every day life for months now and it is almost not explainable. It's like the time has slowed down, my activities are somewhat meaningless and I constantly wish I am somewhere else, doing something else. Predictable and repetitive experiences, little motivation, zero stimulation and complete lack of desire.

 I think, I have at least little self -awareness and know what I need to come out of that state but I lack the self-amusing abilities to treat myself without an external cure. And all the external vitamins I need to boost my immune-excitement are connected to even more internally uncontrollable externals. I often feel trapped in my current life and my inability to execute the escape I need, which is clearly showing me that my actions are maybe not a waste of energy, but surely a cry for change. I want new goals and projects, I need to apply more creativity and feel more excitement in my daily doings. 

I am bored. And boredom is so annoying, it always occurs when my life seems totally fine and stable, and I finally get to relax for 5 minutes. Why can't I enjoy that quiet stability and settle for what I have in that very moment?

It seems so hard to find balance between stimulation and relaxation. A place in my mind where I can avoid stress and enjoy calmness, but at the same time keep myself stimulated and focused. Finding balance - very simple thing it seems and yet so complicated when your mind isn't sober. The only way to explain how I see myself and my life it would be to compare it to being an obsessed, hungry for new adventures explorer who have been crossing many unstable, old, robe bridges over crocodile infested rivers leading into a beautiful, but dangerous jungles with no way back. This insane human with bloody feet, ripped attire and many scars from animal teeth, often seeking safe shelter completely exhausted from the harsh climate and dangerous adventures. The happiness of safety and security after the achieved adventurous expedition task is trilling, but when life becomes too easy the satisfaction of the new discovery quickly vanishes between the comforts of the warm bed and love novels, and the mind starts wandering into the unknown wilderness. 

So, finding balance in unbalanced character-like mine is similar to finding Tahitian black pearl in Lake Como. The only way to continuously look with hopes of finding it is to become completely ignorant to the fact that I am looking at the wrong place. 

In other words, I just need to learn how to believe in imaginary reality.

After all believing in myths and exploring our imagination is what made us (Homo sapiens) the supreme animal and ruler of the world. ( as per the international bestseller Sapiens by Yuval Harari - I recommend highly this book, incredible read about the human history)



I have no logical and useful conclusion here....but, don't forget to smile at how messed up I am! 



Nicole xxx