Undercover Serial Dater

December 6, 2017


Every time the topic of dating opens up in a social situation, I am closely examined by everyone. Questions fly around and no one can put their finger on why I do not date, or refuse to even consider it. I often receive comments such as ' A woman like you not dating can mean only two things, you either a lesbian or have a secret lover'.

Well, the last one it's kind of correct, little that they know, it's not only one secret lover I have. I date all the time, only not the conventional way everyone has in mind. Escorting (or at least the way I do it) is very much like dating, just minus the bitter disappointments, commitment issues, empty expectations, long annoying messaging, irritating "check-on-you" phone calls, wasted hints of "go-away", and the loss of much precious time.  


Few years ago when my very long and not so happy marriage ended, I was thrown semi unwillingly into the world of dating. At the time I barely had any idea how to be single, or what I wanted for that matter. Dating was a scenario I have only watched in the movies for a decade and a half and my dreams of being happy and content were definitely, not even the slightest, connected to finding a man. For Goodness sake, I've just managed to get rid of one, why on Earth would I want another!?

But, as often happens, friends think they know what's best for you, and in that case, they  thought it will be a fabulous time for me to date and possibly find "the one". Again.

Apparently "The one" was coming multiple times in our lives, depending on our current relationship status and the need of our friends to play Cupid. It is not crazy at all, that according to those, not so talented Cupids, I should've been 'out there' and available to every single, divorced or even remotely interested man, in other words- Desperate and looking. Sometimes I wonder if they even know me at all. In the beginning, probably just to get everyone off my back, and of coarse, a pinch of healthy woman' curiosity, I did few attempts at that complicated game named dating, just to very quickly find out that I am not really made for it. If it wasn't my friends fixing me up with every available penis owner they knew (excuse my French), I evidently had to shamelessly flaunt my best bikini picture and somewhat 'perfect' descriptions online, for the single world of fake profiling to enjoy. ( Can you see the resemblance with escorting already?) Chatting, messaging, fluffing my hair and wearing my best dresses, listening to the boring blubber of people I didn't fancy much, and then, the unpleasant tusk of being polite where all I wanted to do is shut the door of my car and drive away... 

Now that was proving seriously exhausting for someone who likes watching old chick flicks and eating popcorn in bed on Friday nights and has no desires of being in a relationship.

Having to constantly be aware of my choice of words, actions and thoughts while in the company of people I had no intentions of keeping for longer than the evening (sometimes even less), was a heavy burden I rather not have to deal with. And the dates I liked, were very much offended by my absent message replies, and offer for a very casual connecting. The only thing that never failed to amuse me while date- gaming, was eating loads of delicious food in nice restaurants (which I do anyway, dating or not). Disappointingly for some of my dates, I wasn't the Salad- Eating- Chick they've expected, so impressing me was proving costly. 

Turned out  my current dating pool was NO Nicci Beach, and besides, I didn't really like swimming or even dipping my sexy behind in cold, unpredictable water. I am more of a -  "cocktail in hand, comfortably seated on a sunbed, reading Vogue and enjoying the swimming competition" - kind of woman.