Insecure assumptions

November 11, 2017

 

I was contacted by a gentlemen who was in London on business, but had a free evening and wanted me to accompany him to dinner, show and an overnight private time.

Judging by our hasty message exchange, and the questions he asked me, he clearly has not read my website or anything about me. He has most probably found me on one of the sites I advertise on, and all he has seen is few pictures in lingerie and a brief "marketing description" of myself.

As I've never met him before, I proposed we first meet for an hour or two, and explore our chemistry before we commit to a longer date.

He was somewhat shocked by my proposal, and found it strange I would risk blowing over an all- night-er for an hour appointment, but agreed to it.

Well, no surprise there really. Many gentleman question my reasons and visions, but  later warm up, and even get to love, all that I stand for. And the ones who don't, I simply have the luxury of never seeing again.

 

Every "date" is unique, it is full of anticipation and excitement for me. Bringing my best looks, mood, attitude, expectations and behaviour are my "cult rituals".

On the days where I have dinner dates or longer appointments, I rarely see other clients. I like taking my time to relax and get ready mentally and otherwise for my date. I spend the day reading and listening to music, walk in the park, prepare my evening attire, take a long bath, do my hair and make up and think of the man I am about to attempt pleasing. Creating a little magic in the cold reality we live in every day, is not only a wonderful tusk, but a very emotionally fulfilling one. 

 

We were to meet at his hotel bar, and I had to recognise him by his light blue shirt, navy blazer and dark hair stubble. It wasn't difficult, I spotted him immediately after walking in. He was really elegant, attractive and manly.  As I was walking towards him, his eyes became bigger and he looked somewhat stunned. We greeted each other and began with a some small talk, I ordered a drink and he helped me take my coat off, but through the entire time we were talking, the look on his face was odd. The conversation wasn't exactly flowing, as he was awfully silent and his eyes were still big and worried, 40 minutes into the "date", I couldn't take it anymore, my patience ran out and I told him that I am sensing a slight tension, and that is the reason I always meet people before longer dates, to delicately avoid awkward and painful long hours together. Explained that I value my time and experiences with clients, and I would never agree to be gifted for something that's not mutually enjoyable, as I am much too selfish to meet such rejection from someone like him, whom I instantly liked, and spoil my evening.

He laughed, apologised about his face expression and told me, he would love if I actually stay the night and he is hoping his strange behaviour wasn't a deal breaker for me. Not once he said anything nice to me or complimented me, but never- the- less he was a perfect gentleman.

From there on, the night unfolded beautifully. We watched The Phantom of the Opera, which I've seen several times, but always enjoy. We had a lovely dinner and our private time was passionate and intensely invigorating. When I was leaving he held my head in his arms for couple of minutes looking at me, but he didn't say a word. He didn't wish me Goodbye,nothing, just smiled. So odd.

 

This experience left me in confusion. I had a wonderful time, but couldn't put my finger on his behaviour.  I was attracted to his mysterious facade a little more that I would like admitting. And when it comes to mystery, I prefer to be the source.  

Many thoughts crossed my mind, I over-analysed what happened during the evening,wondered what I might've done wrong, but I was only left with doubts and slightly bruised ego. I couldn't help to feel a little rejected.  

Days past and I, of coarse, forgot about the enigmatic man, life moves in a fast pace in London and doubting myself is something I don't do for long.

This morning I received an email from my Mr. Bewildering and not only was I surprised, but also relieved in a way.

 

This is a small part of his very long email to me: (I am only revealing a little, but with enough context, as the letter is very private and intimate, and I rather keep it that way)

 

  *******************************************************************************************************

Greetings from California Beautiful Nicole,

 

I hope you are well

 

We've spent an amazing night together few weeks ago, and I hope you still remember me.I certainly do. I wanted to write you earlier,but life has been busy those past few weeks since we've met and finally after London, Singapore and Dubai, I'm back home and have a day to relax. 

You've made a lasting impression on me with your charm,integrity and sarcastic remarks. I catch myself thinking about you often. Naturally I wanted to know more about you, so I went to google for help. I found your tweeter and read your blog - wow. Now, I can really see that all my initial observations were completely right.  You are a very interesting woman, and one I had not hoped to meet under such circumstances. All I wanted when I requested your company that evening, was someone forgettable to spend an evening of no commitment with. But instead I've got you. You've stunned me with your elegance and grace from the moment you've walked in the Polo bar. I was expecting some rough round the edges Polish woman, with bad accent and unrefined manners.....

 

....I wanted to be the impressive one, not the one who's impressed.

 

...and found it difficult to imagine, I could make you interested in me beyond the fact that I am sponsoring the evening. I honestly needed you to be interested. You...

 

... Letting you go that morning was hard. You are a keeper. Unfortunately for me...

 

...I can hardly wait for my next trip to London, when I would love to see you again if you will

....

   ******************************************************************************************************

 

Reading his gentle, romantic and widely unexpected words, I am left with a happy smile on my face and confusing thoughts in my head.

It was nice to know, what happened was not disappointment on his side, but it made my wonder why I care about his reassurance so much. 

Turns out, I felt vulnerable in wanting him to like me, and not knowing if he does. And that's a feeling I was afraid of. 

I have been building this iron persona for years, a persona that is not affected by shallow starvation and surface desires,by people's opinions and every day drama. But what I am realising is that, I'm still just the same mere mortal woman with all human flaws and insecurities. I want to be liked and loved, I want to be appreciated and treasured, admired and adored, just like any other woman out there. And even though, this experience was business related, I came to a very personal realisation because of it.

I should stop assuming the worst every time,doubting myself and constantly running away from my feelings and insecurities, but rather embrace and relish them, as for they are what makes me real, different and lovable. 

 

 

Don't ever be afraid to be vulnerable and real...and don't forget to smile!

 

Nicole

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