Nothing really surprises me anymore. What a sad realisation. When we reach the age of no surprise, there is no turning back and somehow, I wonder if that lack of dazing situations is not making us boring, gloomy and old.
I remember the times when I didn't know what to expect from the world and from people. Times when almost everything was a surprise. I miss those times. Even when I was served with not so wonderful astonishments, I was still happy to have learned something new.
I am far from thinking I know much now, and yes, we learn every day and when we think we know is when we really don't know, but somehow my predictions on life and people are always right, and I so wish for a little revelation. I've never until now registered in my mind, how much being right steals from me. I live these days with the peculiar desire to be wrong. For something to happen that I didn't expect or foresee. Something to stun me and shake me, something to show me I'm still young and got plenty to be startled about. I want that old wonder in me to be inspired again, to cry from disappointments and blindly trust. I want to see the world as bright and cheerful as when I was a young, guileless girl. I want my expectations to go back to naive and optimistic no matter of the possible dismays that are to follow. It is so ironic that all my life I've been trying to collect knowledge, experience and wisdom in order to protect myself from the world and be right, but now, all I want is not to know all that I know. I want to look at life with fresh eyes, I want to believe in people, I want to be surprised. That appetite of being right and protected has made me so "obese", there is no possibility of even the slightest movement. The only way to go back to health is to starve myself. To be wrong. But how do I do that? How do I wipe off all the years of accumulating wisdom and suddenly decide all that I know isn't important anymore? Wisdom is not a decision. It doesn't indicate age either, as for age comes alone in some people. Wisdom is that deep understanding of life, it is experience, knowledge and emotional intelligence blended together into good judgement and common sense. Wisdom protects. Yes, it does...it protects me from all that I want to feel again. Protects me from unleashing my emotions and love, from being spontaneous and free, from having faith in the world and believing in sincerity. Protects me from keeping young and untamed. Is that really the protection I need? If there was only a way to cultivate wisdom into different brunches, using the ones that are vital and let the others dry and turn into dust.
I guess, after all, detecting the wisdom in me isn't as wonderful as I've imagined but somehow I need to find a way to not allow it to dull my sparkle.
If you are too searching for the way....don't forget to smile!