I came across an article, that made me feel pity for the lacking grasp on reality and poor life, and self evaluation of it's writer. And pity is something I don't like feeling or receiving.
Then later, my pity grew into expression of slight annoyance, as I really have great difficulties, tolerating blamers. I understand that when something is really bothering us about others it is because it reminds us of our personal flaws. In this case- my issues with blame. I have always been overly self-judgemental and have the tendency of blaming other people's mistakes on myself or equally blame my influences on their decisions. Leaving with a "serial blamer" for years, who had the complete inability for self-examination and my zero reluctance of excepting it, led to a lot of personal issues that took years to get resolved and healed. However healed, when I stumble upon a Blamer, I feel the need to point out that blaming is actually a form of control, the blame is a defence mechanism that protects the blamer from their own insecurities and psychological instabilities. The blamer is simply an egotist.
The article is about a woman, who worked in the sex industry for 8 years. She explains how she had no identity and achieved zero emotional and self growth over that period - 'After several years, the delusion dissipated, and I woke up burned out and exhausted, disillusioned and bitter, and lonely and horribly depressed.' , then later, after leaving the industry, she became complete and self assured - 'I was literally enslaved by the work, but today I am free to live life on my own terms.' , 'walking away from the field was the truly empowering move that finally began to help me realize all of the things about myself, my gender, and my place in this society' , 'Today, I am free to exist and explore and evolve emotionally, mentally, and physically without the limitations of gender roles, sexual stereotypes, and the system’s power dynamics.'
On the surface, this article seems like an inspiring transition, a successful story of a woman who has escaped the "terrible underworld of escorting" and turned herself into a strong independent individual. However, the noticeable contradiction in everything she is saying, the perpetual blaming, and the fact that I know a thing or two about the industry she so vividly portrays as 'relentless game of pandering to male narcissism' , made me want to express my view on her persona and that article.
Almost everyone who enters this industry willingly, admits that money were the core urge. Lack of it, desperate need of it or greed for more - specific reasoning varies, but that fact prevails.
Money is power but what every person should remember is that self power can not be bought.
This business, non like any other, involves much intimate relations and feelings and we all know it is hard, if not impossible, to put a price tag on those.
Many young women with budding characters and values enter this profession with the notion of careless life but little did they know, there is no such thing as "easy money". They soon start resenting their choices and lose site of who they are ( if they really knew it at the first place). They become depressed and felt devoured and used. To ease the pain of such immense emotional pressure the weak person is immediately resorting to blame. And who else the escorts get to blame for their hardships, but men?
Those same men who they've gladly took money from in return of what they are willingly offering, but so resentfully giving. Those same men who's compliments and attention they are soaking up greedily but assume the return of such is not part of the deal. Those men who they guilt for their emotional degradation but who's feelings they reject and neglect every day.
The woman behind that article is just one of those women. She starts with tails of her discovering the industry and enjoying it at first - 'Escorting is where the real money is. And I was all about the Benjamins. I was blinded by the dollar signs, high on the dissociation, and determined to finalize my decision.Within a week, I was an escort. It was far easier than I had even anticipated. I started off naively and on some unseemly websites, but soon I found the real forums on which to forge such a business and within a short period of time, my daily Benjamins were becoming Clevelands, and I did not have enough hours in the day to meet the demand. I was soon one of the top escorts on the site and men were booking weeks in advance to see me. I was getting glowing reviews daily and my business was booming. I was single and actualizing my own sexuality while empowering myself as a woman, a business entity, and a feminist. I was doing it all. Or so I thought.'
And her story seems real and heartfelt, but penetrate the surface deeper and a whole new character emerges. Learning from our mistakes is what forces our growth and individual strength. And most of the time we can only acknowledge a mistake when we are already enduring the burdens of it. I can appreciate very much people who admit they've taken wrong decisions which led to disappointment. I can sympathise with every emotional and physical straggle but what I refuse to condone is blaming others for your own misdoings. When this girl is throwing contradicting propaganda such as - 'As a sex worker, it is literally your job to make a man feel special, superior, and satisfied as if he is the only being on the planet. This aspect of the job really leaves no room for the self. There is no space to explore or identify or evolve any aspect of your own being, because there is no room for you in the equation.' - I find it is pitiful. There is no lesson learned or realisation here, there is just castigation.
'...there is no room for self-expression in the transaction between a whore and her john. It is all about HIM and his sexual desires, kinks, and needs.'
I have great difficulty understanding how someone who calls themselves Feminist can also refer to themselves as a Whore! Failure for self-respect can only bring disrespect from others. You articulate to others how you should be treated by your own behaviour and evaluation.
When calling yourself a feminist, perhaps learning what that really means can help you stand for what you believe. But then again pretending to stand for something and actually standing for it are two different ballgames. One is, you wanting to be important by talking about something you don't fully comprehend and the other is, you have over-analysed, over-studied, over-seen, over- experienced something and with your actions and you want to make a difference.
In her article, this woman stands for feminism but is blaming men for all her issues over those 8 years of escorting. It is almost like she stopped living in the real world and was exiled to the Planet Escorting, were men were the terrible monsters imprisoning and torturing her soul.
'The reality is that we live in a patriarchy and sex work simply feeds this dynamic. I thought making men pay me would level the playing field, but the money became superfluous to working so hard to protect the very things I had initially believed would benefit from this line of work: my independence, my freedom, and my identity.
My experience of being a sex worker was that I was being paid to satiate male narcissism and, thus, to uphold the very foundation of the patriarchy in which we live. I was paid to make a man feel safe, sexual, satisfied, and superior — no matter what. Yet, in the exchange of money for these things, I was expected to relinquish my own rights to all of the above. I was being paid to be a nonperson who lived to serve the man of the hour. My ability to dissociate, perform, and be subservient is what allowed me to shoot to success so rapidly — NOT my intellect, intelligence, humanity, or even my sexuality.'
Unfortunately,blaming others for privileges you have but choose to forgo in order to serve your own purpose ...that's more like double standards rather then standing up for feminism.
This is what she wrote as a reason behind her inability to reach "authentic freedom" while escorting, I find it mind-boggling - 'Being a prostitute is very much like being a bartender in that it is very much like being a therapist. The sexual part of the appointment would usually be somewhat brief because of physical limitations. But what does a man that just became sexually intimate, open, and comfortable with you do to fill the rest of the hour? He starts to talk about his emotional life. And this, while a welcome break from the physical demands, is the truly draining part of the date.I did not really want to know these men on this level; I have my own life to care for and I was really not interested in expending the energy it required to pretend to care, to try to comfort and to attempt to fix. Then there is the dangerous tightrope one walks when sex, intimacy, and emotion get mixed together but there are boundaries pre-established and agreed to in the exchange.'
Basically, she wanted to just have robotic sex, no emotions, understanding, empathy or sympathy involved, but then she expected to receive in return not only luxury life, but appreciation and emotional support, space for personal growth and maturity. Astonishing. Aristotle have said that happiness is found “by loving rather than in being loved.” So, when she failed to love herself, is when she locked herself between the walls of personal darkness and really no man or anyone else could've changed that. Apparently, her leaving the industry gave her confidence and freedom. No contradiction at all in what she is saying, since now she is living on a Menless Space ship, where male species are instinct forever and only displayed in the Museum of Psychological instabilities.
You can read full article here- https://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/being-an-escort-wasnt-empowering
While writing this blog my application kept on closing and I began losing my stream of thoughts, reasoning behind my writing agenda and even interest ... almost like it wanted to remind me how insignificant all this waste of energy is on my side. On the Grander scale of things, who cares about one insecure, blaming escort or another who's attempting to point it out?!
People should rather think and read of the greatness of women like Margaret Fuller, Marie Curie and Helen Keller who really made a difference in the world.
When we stop blaming men for our troubles, when we stop shaming and cursing and looking for excuses of why we can't succeed. When we decide to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions. When we realise our power and self worth, when we not only fight, but believe in our freedom and make a real difference in the world, then we will not need to defend our womanhood, significance or self-importance anymore. Being an equal means acting like one.
Don't just preach, but Be....and don't forget to smile!